I was always a baby person. I loved playing house and definitely exceeded the age, where it’s “cool” to still be asking for and playing with dolls. I come from a big family. My mom is one of eight siblings and I have 16 first cousins. I was always wanting to hang with the younger ones and help my aunts with them. Once I was old enough, I became their babysitter. When considering colleges, I knew early childhood education, was the path for me. Although my degree is still a work in progress… (something I’m not super proud of,) I worked in daycares, as a nanny and then a preschool teacher from the age of 19, until I was 38 weeks pregnant with my oldest daughter, Brielle.
From a very young age, I always knew I wanted to be a mom and always said I wanted a big family. Michael and I got married on December 1, 2012 and we started trying, immediately. To our shock and amazement, after just one month, we found out we were expecting our first, due in September. Brielle Lynn was born on September 19, 2013 at 39weeks, 4 days. My pregnancy was super smooth, the labor was long but mostly complication free and I was able to push all 8 pounds 9 ounces of her, out in just a few pushes. We brought her home and she was every bit the trick baby, you’ve heard about, so many times. That was it, I was hooked. I wanted more babies and I wanted them soon.
We started trying for baby 2, when Brielle was around a year old. In early November, we found out we were expecting again, this time due in mid-July and a few months later, discovered another little girl was on her way. On July 13, 2015, Gemma Camryn made her debut, 3 days early, just like her sister and weighing 8 pounds 4 oz. I had another super easy pregnancy, a fully complication free, short labor and pushed twice to deliver her. All I could think to myself was wow, two easy pregnancies and deliveries? I must be some kind of pregnancy unicorn goddess, right? I surely need to do this again.
A third baby was a tougher sell for the hubby. He’s far more practical than I am, when it comes to finances and home size and I’m of the “we’ll figure it out,” mentality. Eventually he agreed and we found out baby 3 was set to arrive in May 2018. Another girl! This pregnancy was a little tougher, mostly because I had 2 toddler to chase, this time around but in the grand scheme, fairly easy. My labor with her wasn’t as smooth. Eva Marie came a day late, unlike her sisters and we found out I have a potential penicillin allergy, while in triage. Still, the delivery was the fastest and easiest of the 3 and to spite her 9 pound 1 ounce size, pushed her out in 2 pushes. This was it, my last baby, the last time I’d be in this hospital as a patient, right??
I stayed just one night in the hospital with Eva, before we brought her home. I was determined to soak up every moment, every snuggle, every middle of the night wake up, even every tough moment, since this would be the last time there would be a newborn in my home. Welllllll…. Eva wasn’t going to make that an easy task. At 3 weeks, all hell broke loose. It started with colic and the following 10 months were a haze of crying, sleepless nights, ear infections and reflux meds. Couple that with a lot of post partum anxiety (something I never even realized had, until it was over) and needless to say, I did not enjoy the majority of her first year. She is still a tough kid, even at 16 months old. I feel like most people in this situation, would say she was enough to NEVER want to chance it again but I just feel robbed, to be honest.
So here we are, 16 months after giving birth to what I truly thought would be my last baby and I still don’t think I’m done. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have all girls, even though I’ve never wanted a baby, specifically to try for a certain gender. If it’s because she was so difficult and I was expecting to savor every last second of her new-ness and didn’t? Is it because if I’m not having babies, who am I? Or will I just never have that “complete” feeling? I’ve really tried to let the 4th baby thoughts go. I try to think logically. I am super lucky, thankful and blessed, to have three healthy, thriving, beautiful girls, so maybe I should just count my blessings? Will having a fourth take away from my other three? What if baby 4 is tougher than Eva? Financially, would we be able to do it? Michael is extremely hesitant to have a fourth, will he resent me if he does finally agree? After replaying these questions and more over and over again in my head, my heart still says there’s room for one more. I’ve always heard the phrase, “You never regret the babies you have, only the ones you didn’t” and I feel it is such a true statement. I know four babies would be my limit, regardless of what my heart may say. I’m already 35, Michael 44 and I feel like any more than four, wouldn’t be feasible but four… four is a number I’m ok with.
So now I ask you. Whether one child was the right number for your family or you still don’t feel complete with 10, how did you know it was time to stop? Did anyone stop and regret it? Just how tough is life with 4? 1-2 was easy for us, 3 was the game changer. Is one more baby like having 10 more, as 3 was or do you just kind of go with the flow and accept defeat after 3? I’ll take any and all advice you have to offer, I just as that you’re kind with your words. Thank you!
Wicked Girl Mom 